Learning How to Love: Why Healthy Relationships Don’t Come Automatically

Learning How to Love: Why Healthy Relationships Don’t Come Automatically

Most of us spend months planning a wedding, and very little if any time learning how to be in relationship. We sign a marriage license, and then we commit to loving someone “forever.”

Very few of us are ever taught how to actually be in a relationship, yet most couples seek help when the relationship is in despair.

At Authentic Beyond the Couch (ABC), this is one of the most common struggles we see: couples who deeply love each other, yet feel stuck in cycles of conflict, disconnection, and misunderstanding. Not because they are broken, but because being in relationship is a skill, and skills must be learned.

We’re Licensed to Marry — Not Taught to Relate

In most areas of life, we train before we perform. We study before exams. We practice before driving. We even work at continuing education to maintain our license and certifications.

Yet relationships, arguably the most impactful part of our lives, are often left to chance.

Many couples enter relationships carrying:

• Unhealed childhood wounds

• Learned communication patterns

• Unspoken expectations

• Survival strategies from past pain
  
  

Without tools, even the most loving partnerships can become places of frustration rather than safety.

What Is Imago Couples Therapy?

Imago Relationship Theory, developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, emerged from both personal struggle and professional insight. As a married couple and therapists, they recognized that many relational conflicts are not signs of failure, but invitations to heal earlier wounds that resurface in our closest relationships. Imago teaches that we are often drawn, consciously or unconsciously, to people and systems that mirror familiar emotional patterns from our past. Through Imago-informed dialogue, we learn to replace fear and reactivity with curiosity, compassion, and connection, allowing growth to emerge where conflict once lived.

Imago Couples Therapy is a powerful, evidence-based approach that helps couples understand why they chose each other, and how to grow together instead of apart.

At its core, Imago teaches couples that:

• Conflict is not a sign of failure

• Our partners often reflect unresolved parts of ourselves

• Healing happens through conscious, intentional connection
  

Rather than focusing on blame, Imago helps couples move toward curiosity, empathy, and emotional safety.

Why We Choose the Partners We Do

Imago theory suggests we are drawn to partners who mirror familiar emotional patterns from childhood, both the nurturing and the painful ones.

This doesn’t mean we chose “wrong.” It means our nervous systems were seeking healing.

Without awareness, these patterns show up as:

• Repeating arguments

• Emotional shutdown

• Feeling unseen or unheard

• Power struggles

• Distance after closeness
  

Imago helps couples slow these moments down and respond differently.

Getting the Love You Want: Learning Relationship Skills That Last

The Getting the Love You Want workshops offered through ABC are designed to teach couples the tools many of us never received.

In these workshops, couples learn how to:

• Communicate without defensiveness or escalation

• Listen to understand, not to respond

• Repair after conflict

• Create emotional and relational safety

• Replace reactivity with intention
  

This work is not about perfection.
It’s about practice.

Relationships Are Built — Not Found

Healthy relationships don’t just happen because two people love each other. They happen because two people are willing to:

• Learn

• Reflect

• Take responsibility

• Grow together
  
  

Imago work helps couples shift from:
❌ “You’re the problem”
to
✅ “What’s happening between us, and how can we heal it together?”

A Different Way Forward

At Authentic Beyond the Couch, our focus is not just on surviving relationships, but creating ones that are intentional, conscious, and life-giving.

Whether you are dating, engaged, married, or rebuilding after rupture, learning how to do relationships differently can change everything.

✨ Interested in Imago Couples Therapy or Upcoming Workshops?

ABC offers Imago Couples Therapy and Getting the Love You Want workshops for couples ready to grow, reconnect, and build relationships that actually work.

👉 Register and join our next workshop or schedule a consultation to learn more.